How to talk to your younger children about your Divorce (Part 2)

In part 2 of this 3-part series, we discuss how to talk to your young children about your Divorce

Ages 0 to 2: babies and toddlers

At this stage, children are entirely dependent on parents or caregivers. They have no ability to understand complex events, anticipate future situations, or understand their feelings. They require consistency and routine (meals, play, bath, bed) and are comforted by familiarity. They may be distressed by disruptions of consistency, routines, and familiarity.

Signs of distress include increased fussiness or crying, and changes in eating and sleeping patterns. Toddlers are especially sensitive to separations and may develop separation anxiety, which can result in withdrawn, distressed, or clingy behavior.

What you can do to help

• Expect the behaviors and be prepared
• Be vigilant and observant for somatic signals
• Set things up so that consistency and routine are maintained even if and when the child is in a different home
• Use transitional objects to maintain familiarity (like a security blanket, a toy or stuffed animal, a sippy cup, etc.)
• Spend as much time as possible with the child

 

Ages 3 to 5: preschoolers

Children this age are beginning to develop independence, but they still need considerable caregiving and consistent schedules. Their cognitive and linguistic skills are growing, and they’re becoming more self-reliant, but their ability to understand cause and effect is still limited, and they are still unable to think about the future. Their understanding of the world revolves around themselves. They may be able to think about their feelings, but their ability to talk about feelings is limited. And they may not
always clearly see the difference between reality and fantasy.

Signs of distress include general irritability, frequent crying, power struggles (including tantrums), worries about separation, clinginess, and regression to earlier behaviors such as bedwetting, thumb sucking, problems sleeping through the night, etc. Some children may even show signs of anger at either parent, or misinterpretations of the separation, as “mom/dad left me.”

What you can do to help

• Acknowledge your child’s feelings and help them to express them: for example through symbolic play and storytelling
• Maintain routine and structure
• Give simple, concrete information about the basics of the divorce. 
• Tell them which parent is moving out, where the child will live, who will take care of them, and when they’ll see the other parent.
• Consider having many short talks, as opposed to one long talk.
• Having shorter talks will meet your children’s developing cognitive ability, and it will give them (and you) time to process between talks.

 

Ages 6 to 10: elementary school

Ages 6 to 8

At this stage, children have a slightly broader view of the environment around them, and they are developing more relationships outside the home (school, sports, friends), but their understanding of complex dynamics is still limited. They have a little more
ability to think and talk about feelings, but they may not want to or be ready to.

They still need individual time with each parent and continued reassurance that they are loved. They start focusing on fairness and may want to spend an equal amount of time with each parent. They need to make sense of circumstances that they can’t fully
understand. So they may become interested in issues such as who’s to blame or if there are chances to reunite the family.

Signs of distress include sadness, anger, or aggression. Stress may take the form of physical problems (such as upset stomachs, headaches, even rashes) or social problems (such as problems with friends or at school).

Ages 9 to 10

These children have a more developed ability to understand, think and talk about feelings and circumstances related to divorce. However, they still tend to see things in black and white. They become more involved with activities outside the family and they
develop their relationships apart from their parents (friends, teachers, coaches).

Signs of distress include sadness, anger, loneliness, and depression. Here too the stress can take the form of both physical problems (such as headaches and stomach aches), and social and learning problems. Some children may have fantasies of
family reunification. 

What you can do to help

• Recognize your child’s need to grieve and give them time
• Continue to provide care, routine and security
• Ensure equal time with each parent
• To help them process and talk about their feelings, consider using an indirect and normalizing approach.
• For example, you can say,: “Some kids would feel angry or sad… and that would be OK/normal”
• To help them come to terms with the complex circumstances, tell them clearly that the divorce was an adult decision.
• Tell them that the divorce caused by adult problems that they didn’t create and they can’t fix.
• This will help their healing process, even past possible fantasies of family reunification.

Be mindful. Remember that your children are the innocent victims of your divorce.  They should be the focus of your attention.  It is very challenging to guide children through turbulent times.  Don’t be afraid to ask for help from family, friends, teachers or
other professionals. Parenting classes or counseling may be beneficial to you and your children.  Be diligent about protecting them from arguments between their parents or belittling comments. Always do your best to maintain an open, loving, and supportive
environment for your children during and after your divorce.